10 Things You Won't Hear Charles Manson's New Wife Say

You've probably heard by now that the murderer (good old Chuck) is getting married. In case you didn't know, he's 80. His bride is 26. They'll make a lovely couple, I'm sure.

Here are 10 things that she'll never have to say:

1. Back off, ladies. He's mine
2. Did you remember to pay the water bill?
3. Honey, what should we have for dinner? 
4. Should we go to Cabo for our first anniversary?
5. I'm having a hard time finishing all of these wedding thank you's. 
6. Move over! You're hogging all the covers! 
7. Where should we spend the holidays this year? 
8. You left the toilet seat up again! 
9. I have the best looking husband. 
10. Can you pick up a pizza on your way home? 

There you have it. She's one lucky gal. Actually, I think they're lucky to have found each other. Murderous psychopaths: they're just like the rest of us. 

Special thanks to my friend, Melisa, for helping me compile this list. 

The Ridiculous Bedtime Routine

If you have children, you know that bedtime can be a challenge. With the whole, "I  need a drink of water" "I have to go potty" business.  I took a long, hard look at my own bedtime routine. And it's pretty ridiculous.

It goes a little something like this:

• Pee
• Shower
• Pee again (when I get out of the shower, of course)
• Brush, floss, mouthwash
• Pee again
• Have a drink of water
• Climb into bed
• Turn on the fan
• Put lotion on my feet and hands. Put socks on
• Apply lip balm
• Blow my nose
• Put my CPAP mask on
• Realize that I have to pee again
• Pee
• Have another drink of water on my way back to bed
• Climb back into bed
• Reapply lip balm
• Blow my nose again
• Put CPAP back on
• Watch an entire episode of "Golden Girls"
• Pee one last time
• Off to sleep  

The whole process only takes about 5-6 hours. Now, who wants me to sleep over? 

A Family Secret

You guys, I've struggled with telling you this one. I wasn't sure if it was too private. After all, I'm not even sure my siblings know about the secret that I'm about to reveal.

One of my Fossils doesn't know how to use Caller ID. (I'll give you a hint: she's a female.)

There, I said it. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. I've been carrying that secret around for a while now.

You see, I became knowledgeable about the situation a few weeks ago.

It went down like this:

I was at my desk at work and she called.

"Did you just call here (the house phone)?"

"No. Why?"

"Well, I was in the yard and the phone rang. I didn't get to it in time though."

"Did you check the Caller ID?"

Dead silence.


Now, she knows how to look at the Caller ID when the phone is ringing. She just has no idea how to retrieve the information once the phone has stopped ringing.


I'm telling you this as a public service. Check with your own Fossils. See if they know how to operate perplexing home appliances, like the telephone. You'll be surprised what you find out.

Is Voicemail a Thing of the Past?

Since I work in a doctor's office, a lot of my time is spent on the phone. We're constantly calling patients to remind them about appointments and to let them know that their contact lenses or glasses have come in.

Most people ask us to call them on their cell phone. As you can imagine, we get their voicemail a lot of the time. We always leave a quick message to confirm their appointment or inform them  about their order.

Either 15 seconds, or a couple of HOURS, after we call them, we get this call:

*Ring. Ring*

Me: "Hello, Dr. G's office.

Patient: "Hi, I missed a call from this number."

Me: "Yes, this is the eye doctor. We left you a message."

Patient: "Oh, I didn't listen to it."

Me: (Thinking, but not saying) "Well, go listen to it fool and you'll unravel the mystery of why we called you."

Me: (Saying instead) "We're confirming for tomorrow at 9:00 am"

Patient: "Oh yeah, I forgot about that. I can't make it."

Me: (Thinking, not saying). "Go eff yourself."


How about you? Do you listen to your voicemail or just call back the number that you missed a call from?

My Trip to the Dermatologist

If you know me in real life, you know that I've been cursed blessed with Irish skin. I like to think of myself as having alabaster, milky white, ivory skin. My friends think of me as Casper.

I see the dermatologist once a year for my skin check. Since melanoma runs rampant in my family, I'm very diligent about it.

My old dermatologist moved his office, so I started seeing a new guy. He's much younger and has a very sleek, up-to-date office.

They had me put on a paper gown (totally normal for a skin cancer check), that opens in the back. Then he had me sit on this chair/table thing. A "chable" if you will. It was upright, but he pressed a button and the back folded down to turn it into a table.

He checked the front of my body and then asked me to turn over. Well, this chable is about the width of a small chair. And I'm in a paper gown. With nothing but undies on underneath. This was not going to be pretty. Picture a whale that as somehow beached itself and is now (aggressively) trying to turn itself over. That was me on this table. I had a choice; either use my hand to keep my gown closed, and fall on the floor, or use both of my hands to turn myself over. I chose to use both hands. I imagine that I started out looking like a beached whale but ended up looking like a turtle that was stuck on its back. Either way, it was the opposite of graceful. There was lot of gasping, heavy breathing, sweating and trying to cover my fat fanny. The whole episode took about 2.5 seconds, although it felt like 20 minutes. I think I noticed a look of horror/disgust on the doctors face.

I think I'll start exercising. Does anyone have a chable I can use?

And just like that, I'm back

Hey,

Hi! How are you? It's been awhile. I haven't written a thing in almost 18 months. Yikes. That's a long time.

I figured I'd catch you up on what I've been doing in that time.

Here goes:

• I had a baby
• Lost 40 pounds
• Climbed Mount Everest
• Spent a month in Bora Bora
• Overcame my fear of heights (and flying)
• Found a new, calorie and fat free, chocolate that won't make you gain weight. 

Okay, so I didn't do any of those things. I've just been, you know, busy. Or lazy. Or both. Well, I'm dipping my toes back into the blogging world. I can't promise that I'll write something everyday, but I can promise that I can't promise anything. 

Looking forward to connecting with you guys. 

xo,

Loopy

Moons: Worlds of Mystery at the Museum of Science

Written by Kelly, Part-time contributor 

It's almost the last day of school vacation and the kids are starting to get restless. We decided to head to the Museum of Science for the day.  It was the perfect day, not too many people.

Brennan and Harry really enjoyed the Mammoths and Mastodons exhibit.

What boy doesn't think poop is funny?

This was a 'guess which animal produces which poop' kind of thing.

   We were really at the Museum to see "Moons:Worlds of Mystery". I had shown them online the different events at the museum and they all picked "Moons."

   Thankfully when we picked up our tickets for "Moons:Worlds of Mystery", the gentleman told us to get in line a few minutes early because it usually sells out. I'm glad we listened. We were lucky enough to all sit together.

  "Moons: Worlds of Mystery" is an amazing journey through our solar system.  You learn a little bit about all the different moons in the solar systemas well as Earth's moon. The entire production was created at the Museum of Science.  If you have a chance to see it, it's definitely worth it. It's about 40 minutes long and geared toward school age children grade 3 and up. 

Here are the boys relaxing, waiting for the movie to start.

We had another great day at the Museum of Science, Boston.

We were given two complimentary tickets to the exhibit hall and the Moons:Worlds of Mystery movie. All opinions are my own.

A Fossil Walks Into a Hotel Room....

A few months ago, the Big Guy (aka my Dad, aka Fossil #1), went on an overnight golf trip with a bunch of other old farts. In other words, his golf buddies.

It was an organized trip that was planned in advance. Guys picked a roommate and the hotel arrangements were made accordingly. Well, the Big Guy and his buddy (since kindergarten) Fred were to be in room 206. That was the room they were assigned ahead of time and that is the room they got when they checked in. At the front desk, they got they key, gathered their bags and headed off to room 206. They put the keycard in the lock and opened the door. Well, they walked in and there were two people already in the room.  It was a man and woman. Alone. In a hotel room. Can you guess what they were doing?

Well, the Big Guy was very confused about this because this was supposed to be his room. So, he stood there and tried to figure out this apparent mix up with.....you guessed it, the man and the woman. Now, I'm sure this couple was having a lovely time for themselves until these two old guys walked in. Now, they not only walked in but they're having A FULL ON CONVERSATION WITH THEM.

Most normal people would have noticed immediately that the room was occupied and backed out slowly and returned to the front desk. Not the Big Guy. He's got to get to the bottom of the perplexing mystery right then and there.

After what must have seemed like an eternity to the couple, the Big Guy and Fred headed back to the front desk. The hotel apologized to them and got them another room. Rest assured, they knocked before they entered that room.

An Evening at Wahlburgers

Recently,  I had the pleasure of getting some local bloggers together for a menu sampling at Wahlburgers in the Hingham Shipyard. Since I eat there about once a month (ahem, or maybe 3-4 times a month), I thought I knew what to expect. Boy, was I wrong. You see, I'm not a very adventurous eater. Once I find something on a menu that I like, I tend to stick to that one item. This was a great opportunity to try different things. I'm so glad I did.

My ultimate favorite is still the Our Burger. My new second favorite is The Melt. I never would have tried the Melt if it wasn't for this tasting. I pretty much love anything with a nice, juicy burger in it.  What can I say, I'm a total carnivore.

They started us off with the salads. This is the Seared Fall Chicken salad. Holy yumminess! It is so good. It has a ton of my favorite things in there: roasted butternut squash, sun dried cranberries, toasted walnuts. And, of course, chicken. All atop some healthy mixed greens. The cranberry vinaigrette that they serve with it is delicious.

The other two salads are the BBQ Toss and a Chicken Caesar. Both are yummy. If you want something unique and tasty, try the BBQ Toss. That's a favorite of Paul and CEO Rick. It's mixed greens, red onion, bacon, caramelized onion, and house made BBQ sauce with your choice of chicken or beef patty. Sweet meets savory.

Next up were the burgers. Oh yeah, come to mama! The Our Burger is their signature burger with "government" cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion and wahl sauce. Oh and house made pickles. Yes, they MAKE their pickles there. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. Delish!

While we were there, chef (and owner), Paul Wahlberg took the time to talk to us about the menu both at Wahlburgers and across the way at (his other restaurant) Alma Nove. It's clear that he has a passion for cooking and wants everyone to enjoy what they eat. He won't put an item on the menu if the recipe isn't perfect. He also regaled us with stories of growing up in a big family in Dorchester. Sure Mark strutted around in his Calvin Klein undies and Donnie was part of NKOTB, but Paul can cook a gourmet meal..that's way better if you ask me.


I could go on and on about all the wonderful things that they have to offer, but you really should check it out yourself. You'll be glad you did!


I was invited to enjoy a complimentary tasting at Wahlburgers. All opinions are 100% my own. 

A Klassy Kardashian Khristmas

Well, it's that time of year again. Time to hit the mall (or the internet) to find that perfect gift for someone you love, or just pick up a little something for yourself.

Since I like you so much, I thought I'd compile a list for all the gals in your life.

Everything on this list is from my ultimate favorite: The Kardashian Kollection

Let's start with Mom:

Why not get her some nice, leopard print items for the bathroom. Meow!

A gift for your sister or best friend:

Let's face it, we all love leggings. Pair them with a half-shirt and some sky-high heels and you've got yourself an outfit. Perfect for carpooling, errands, doctors appointments. You'll be the envy of all in these babies. 

 Do you live in a warmer climate? These shorts might be your thing. They come in one size: "Peek a Punanny." Don't forget to pair them with 4-5 inch heels. Stunning!  

 Are your kids older and you spend your time lunching with friends? Then this jumpsuit is for you! Unless of course you like to enjoy 6-7 glasses of white zin at lunch. In that case, this isn't for you...you have to take the whole thing off just to tinkle. Stick with one of the items above. 

Next on the list is your husband/significant other/baby daddy: 

Yes, this is something you wear, but let's face it, it's really for HIM. 

This one is great because it would look great on any body type, it's klassy, plus it looks super comfy. Score! (wink, wink) 

Now, here's one that you could wear everyday. It would look especially nice under a t-shirt. Just think how all your flesh would be squeezed out the bottom of this top. Fabulous! 

Look, there's undies to match! 

 And, of course it comes in leopard print. Purrrr

 Everything here is made from the finest polyester/nylon that money can buy. It's wicked nice. 

Need something to wear to a holiday party? Take a look at these dresses. 

Think it's krazy to wear white this time of year? Think again, you'll be the envy of all in this white hot number. Remember, it's best to go sans panties when wearing a skin tight white dress. 

This one would be great for your husbands office party, especially if he works in a stuffy environment like finance or accounting or a law office. 

I don't really like this one. Everything is too covered up. 

Much better! This would be nice for Khristmas Eve at your in-laws. 

 This would be great for New Years Eve. Don't stand too close to an open flame though. This thing will melt. 

This is for those of you that are ultra conservative. It comes in three sizes: Tight, Skin Tight and Can You See My Organs? 

Remember, if you can breath freely in it, it's not tight enough. 

 A great one for a Yankee Swap with the girls. As an added bonus, if someone has a wardrobe malfunction, you can help them out by giving them one of the safety pins from your dress. 

 Another great one for the husbands Khristmas party. This will also work well if you're meeting your boyfriends parents for the first time. 

You're welcome! Stay klassy! Merry Khristmas! 

Loopy's Guide to Handling the Mall This Holiday Season

If you're brave enough to hit the mall this time of year, remember a few key things:

• No matter how cold it is outside, leave your coat in the car. Trust me on this, they keep the heat at about 97 degrees in the mall. 
• Hydrate. Stash a bottle of water in your purse. 
• Keep a snack in your purse as well. It will keep you focused on shopping and not stopping at the food court. 
• Bring a list for the people that you need to buy for. 
• Don't shop for yourself. Unless you find something really, really, really cute, then it's okay. 
• Stick to your budget. Figure out, before you leave the house, what you want to spend on each person. 
• Don't spend more than $300 on my gift. 

If you have other tips for surviving the mall, I'd love to hear them. 

Happy shopping! 

10 Things to (Legally) Do At A Red Light

I was at a red light the other day and I thought to myself, "Self, in this world of multi-tasking, the red light seems like a perfect time to get some things done." So I set forth to think of some stuff to do in that  few precious moments.

( Photo credit: Freeclipartnow.com)

1. Pluck those few stray eyebrows
2. Search for the water bottle/sippy cup that rolled under the seat earlier. 
3. Trim a hangnail.
4. Fix your wedgie
5. Eat chocolate
6. Gaze at yourself in the rearview mirror and think, "God, my significant other is lucky to have me."
7. Think up your next Facebook status. 
8. Think of all of the problems in the world and how to solve them. 
9. Get mad that you're the only one trying to solve the worlds problems. 
10. Check out the person beside you and see what they're doing. 

New England Dessert Showcase

My sister, Kelly, and I traveled to Heaven a couple of weeks ago. Well, my version of Heaven anyway. It was a room filled with yummy, chocolatey, rich, tasty treats known as the New England Dessert Showcase. It was held at the Sheraton in Boston. We had a great time sampling lots of decadent treats. We probably should have jogged home from there after all of the desserts that we consumed.

Here are a few of my favorites:

Kind-Kind Bars were our first stop at the Showcase. It was the first table we saw, plus we figured we should start with something healthy. I fell in love with the Dark Chocolate Nuts & Sea Salt bar. It was so yummy. With 7g of fiber, 6g of protein and only 5g of sugar, you can feel good about eating it.

PUREFECTIONS-A Quincy based chocolatier, Purefections was a booth we loved visiting. Not only were the owners knowledgeable about their product, but they were friendly and helpful too. I sampled the P2C2 in dark chocolate. It's a combination of rich, velvety, dark chocolate combined with sweet caramel, peanuts and salty crushed potato chips. Yes, you read that right. Potato chips. Hold on, I need to get a napkin to wipe the drool. Okay, I'm back. As I was saying, the combination of flavors is nothing short of spectacular. I would especially like these around the 18th of every month.

Finale-For my birthday several years ago, some friends took to me to Finale for a night out. It was one of my favorite evenings. We nibbled on appetizers and then I gorged myself on chocolatey goodness. It was fantastic! I think that everything that Finale does is amazing. They have some of the best tasting desserts I've ever had. They did not disappoint at the Showcase. They offered samples of their Dark Chocolate Decadence. It's a fudgy, flourless, truffle-like cake that will make you smile from ear to ear. Delicious.

Goodway Gourmet Cafe-I was surprised to learn that the Goodway Gourmet is out of New York. After trying their delicious delights, I didn't care if they were from Mars! I snacked on their macaroons. I love a good macaroon. I commented on how tasty they were and then I was "forced"(okay, gently persuaded)  to try their signature rum cake. "I don't like rum cake." I told them. They asked me to try just a small piece. Well, I still don't like rum cake, but I love their rum cake. It was light, moist and tasty with little to no alcohol flavor. They told me the difference is in the way that they cook it. I don't know anything about cooking rum cake, but they sure do. That stuff was great!

I can't wait for the New England Dessert Showcase to come around next year. In my opinion, there's nothing better than a day spent eating dessert.

Whatever your dessert choice is, eat it in good health. Enjoy!

Disclosure: This is not a sponsored post. I did receive media passes to the event. All opinions are my own.

A Trip to Lull Farm, Hollis, NH

This past weekend I went to visit some friends in Hollis, NH. It's not far from the Massachusetts border, just north of Nashua.

My friend took me to Lull Farm,  just down the street from her house. I was amazed at all the wonderful things they had to offer. It was one of the best farm stands I've been to.

They had dozens of different kinds of tomatoes.  

Each box had a sign telling all about that particular type of tomato. 

And check out these melons. So fresh. 

They had every other vegetable you can imagine. 

Beans

Brussel Sprouts

Carrots

And fingerling potatoes

I was amazed at all the beautiful colors and textures. The also had fresh flowers, ice cream and baked goods. I was completely overwhelmed, but in a good way.

After checking out the farm stand we headed out back to see the animals. They had the usual cows, goats, pigs and roosters.

When we turned the corner, we came upon the cutest little bunny I've ever seen. He (or she) was the most beautiful, unusual color. He (or she) was blonde, just like me, but somehow I doubt that he (or she) gets his (or her) color at the salon.  He (or she) had two siblings; a black one and a grey one. I wanted to take them all home with me.

If you're ever in the Nashua/Hollis area, I can't recommend Lull Farm enough. Even if you have to go out of your way, it's well worth the trip. Oh and they also have one in Milford, NH.

Enjoy!

This is not a sponsored post.