Thursday, November 20, 2014

10 Things You Won't Hear Charles Manson's New Wife Say

You've probably heard by now that the murderer (good old Chuck) is getting married. In case you didn't know, he's 80. His bride is 26. They'll make a lovely couple, I'm sure.

Here are 10 things that she'll never have to say:

  1. Back off, ladies. He's mine
  2. Did you remember to pay the water bill?
  3. Honey, what should we have for dinner? 
  4. Should we go to Cabo for our first anniversary?
  5. I'm having a hard time finishing all of these wedding thank you's. 
  6. Move over! You're hogging all the covers! 
  7. Where should we spend the holidays this year? 
  8. You left the toilet seat up again! 
  9. I have the best looking husband. 
  10. Can you pick up a pizza on your way home? 
There you have it. She's one lucky gal. Actually, I think they're lucky to have found each other. Murderous psychopaths: they're just like the rest of us. 

Special thanks to my friend, Melisa, for helping me compile this list. 

Sunday, May 18, 2014

The Ridiculous Bedtime Routine

If you have children, you know that bedtime can be a challenge. With the whole, "I  need a drink of water" "I have to go potty" business.  I took a long, hard look at my own bedtime routine. And it's pretty ridiculous.

It goes a little something like this:

  • Pee
  • Shower
  • Pee again (when I get out of the shower, of course)
  • Brush, floss, mouthwash
  • Pee again
  • Have a drink of water
  • Climb into bed
  • Turn on the fan
  • Put lotion on my feet and hands. Put socks on
  • Apply lip balm
  • Blow my nose
  • Put my CPAP mask on
  • Realize that I have to pee again
  • Pee
  • Have another drink of water on my way back to bed
  • Climb back into bed
  • Reapply lip balm
  • Blow my nose again
  • Put CPAP back on
  • Watch an entire episode of "Golden Girls"
  • Pee one last time
  • Off to sleep  
The whole process only takes about 5-6 hours. Now, who wants me to sleep over? 

Saturday, May 17, 2014

A Family Secret

You guys, I've struggled with telling you this one. I wasn't sure if it was too private. After all, I'm not even sure my siblings know about the secret that I'm about to reveal.

One of my Fossils doesn't know how to use Caller ID. (I'll give you a hint: she's a female.)

There, I said it. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. I've been carrying that secret around for a while now.

You see, I became knowledgeable about the situation a few weeks ago.

It went down like this:

I was at my desk at work and she called.

"Did you just call here (the house phone)?"

"No. Why?"

"Well, I was in the yard and the phone rang. I didn't get to it in time though."

"Did you check the Caller ID?"

Dead silence.

Now, she knows how to look at the Caller ID when the phone is ringing. She just has no idea how to retrieve the information once the phone has stopped ringing.

I'm telling you this as a public service. Check with your own Fossils. See if they know how to operate perplexing home appliances, like the telephone. You'll be surprised what you find out.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Is Voicemail a Thing of the Past?

Since I work in a doctor's office, a lot of my time is spent on the phone. We're constantly calling patients to remind them about appointments and to let them know that their contact lenses or glasses have come in.

Most people ask us to call them on their cell phone. As you can imagine, we get their voicemail a lot of the time. We always leave a quick message to confirm their appointment or inform them  about their order.

Either 15 seconds, or a couple of HOURS, after we call them, we get this call:

*Ring. Ring*

Me: "Hello, Dr. G's office.

Patient: "Hi, I missed a call from this number."

Me: "Yes, this is the eye doctor. We left you a message."

Patient: "Oh, I didn't listen to it."

Me: (Thinking, but not saying) "Well, go listen to it fool and you'll unravel the mystery of why we called you."

Me: (Saying instead) "We're confirming for tomorrow at 9:00 am"

Patient: "Oh yeah, I forgot about that. I can't make it."

Me: (Thinking, not saying). "Go eff yourself."

How about you? Do you listen to your voicemail or just call back the number that you missed a call from?

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

My Trip to the Dermatologist

If you know me in real life, you know that I've been cursed blessed with Irish skin. I like to think of myself as having alabaster, milky white, ivory skin. My friends think of me as Casper.

I see the dermatologist once a year for my skin check. Since melanoma runs rampant in my family, I'm very diligent about it.

My old dermatologist moved his office, so I started seeing a new guy. He's much younger and has a very sleek, up-to-date office.

They had me put on a paper gown (totally normal for a skin cancer check), that opens in the back. Then he had me sit on this chair/table thing. A "chable" if you will. It was upright, but he pressed a button and the back folded down to turn it into a table.

He checked the front of my body and then asked me to turn over. Well, this chable is about the width of a small chair. And I'm in a paper gown. With nothing but undies on underneath. This was not going to be pretty. Picture a whale that as somehow beached itself and is now (aggressively) trying to turn itself over. That was me on this table. I had a choice; either use my hand to keep my gown closed, and fall on the floor, or use both of my hands to turn myself over. I chose to use both hands. I imagine that I started out looking like a beached whale but ended up looking like a turtle that was stuck on its back. Either way, it was the opposite of graceful. There was lot of gasping, heavy breathing, sweating and trying to cover my fat fanny. The whole episode took about 2.5 seconds, although it felt like 20 minutes. I think I noticed a look of horror/disgust on the doctors face.

I think I'll start exercising. Does anyone have a chable I can use?

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

And just like that, I'm back


Hi! How are you? It's been awhile. I haven't written a thing in almost 18 months. Yikes. That's a long time.

I figured I'd catch you up on what I've been doing in that time.

Here goes:

  • I had a baby
  • Lost 40 pounds
  • Climbed Mount Everest
  • Spent a month in Bora Bora
  • Overcame my fear of heights (and flying)
  • Found a new, calorie and fat free, chocolate that won't make you gain weight. 

Okay, so I didn't do any of those things. I've just been, you know, busy. Or lazy. Or both. Well, I'm dipping my toes back into the blogging world. I can't promise that I'll write something everyday, but I can promise that I can't promise anything. 

Looking forward to connecting with you guys. 


Monday, December 31, 2012

Moons: Worlds of Mystery at the Museum of Science

Written by Kelly, Part-time contributor 

It's almost the last day of school vacation and the kids are starting to get restless. We decided to head to the Museum of Science for the day.  It was the perfect day, not too many people.

Brennan and Harry really enjoyed the Mammoths and Mastodons exhibit.

What boy doesn't think poop is funny?
This was a 'guess which animal produces which poop' kind of thing.

   We were really at the Museum to see "Moons:Worlds of Mystery". I had shown them online the different events at the museum and they all picked "Moons."

   Thankfully when we picked up our tickets for "Moons:Worlds of Mystery", the gentleman told us to get in line a few minutes early because it usually sells out. I'm glad we listened. We were lucky enough to all sit together.

  "Moons: Worlds of Mystery" is an amazing journey through our solar system.  You learn a little bit about all the different moons in the solar systemas well as Earth's moon. The entire production was created at the Museum of Science.  If you have a chance to see it, it's definitely worth it. It's about 40 minutes long and geared toward school age children grade 3 and up. 

Here are the boys relaxing, waiting for the movie to start.

We had another great day at the Museum of Science, Boston.

We were given two complimentary tickets to the exhibit hall and the Moons:Worlds of Mystery movie. All opinions are my own.