Let's Talk About Poop

This is not a very ladylike post. So if you think I'm ladylike please stop reading right now. I'd hate to ruin the image you have of me.

Well, let's talk about it. We all do it. Yes, all of us. Even George Clooney. There are so many names for this completely natural thing that we do. I don't like to use the word "sh*t" for that. I think of that more like, "Oh sh*t, I lost my keys." Same thing with "crap."

Here are some of the popular terms used for this, very important, bodily function:

• Poop
• Poo
• Doody
• Turd
• Feces
• Droppings
• Excrement

Here are some popular saying for the act itself. I'm not saying we use these around my house. But I'm not saying we don't either.

• Dropping the kids off at the pool (or the abbreviation "droppin' em")
• Evacuating
• Eliminating
• Laying some cable
• Dropping a deuce
• Pinching one off
• Building a log cabin
• Make a deposit
• Coffee's kickin' in

Or some popular terms people use for passing gas:

• Fart
• Toot
• The winds
• Crop dusting
• Stink bomb
• Relieving pressure

What are some terms used around your house?

P.S. What's that smell?

I was just thinking...

I do some of my best thinking in the shower or when I'm driving. That's normal, right? Well, I've had a few ideas recently that I just can't get out of my head:

The first idea is The BackPack Program. Now, this program is already going on in other parts of the country and the state, but is it going on in my town and the towns around me? I need to find this out. The idea is this: children from low-income families receive free, or low cost, lunch while they are in school, Monday thru Friday. What about the weekends? Are they going hungry? The BackPack Program fills backpacks of needy children on Fridays to take home for the weekend. As a blogger, I'm pretty low on the totem pole. However, I DO know other bloggers that have quite a bit of influence with brands. Perhaps these brands would be willing to help? I'd like to start this initiative. Who's with me?

My next idea is a fun one. Do you have clothes in your closet that you no longer wear OR that (gasp!) have the tags still on them? Since I'm a bargain shopper, I have LOTS of clothes with the tags still on them. I'd love to coordinate a consignment sale. I'm participating in a children's consignment sale next weekend, but I've never seen one for adults. Most women have clothes that are in great shape that they just don't need or want anymore. Why not make a little extra money? All the clothes left behind after the sale? They can be donated to a local women's shelter.

My other idea is that Puopolo's should start a delivery service (for a small fee). They should deliver candy to my door every week.

Share your ideas. Any good/bad/crazy ones lately?

Loopy Speak

I'm fortunate in the fact that I have acquired many friends in my 26 years (oops, I mean 41). Each of these friends has their own vernacular. I have adopted some of them as my own. Others I have invented. Here's a little cheat sheet for you:

My current favorite sayings:

• Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
• Who's that fool?
• Goddamn doofus (from my friends Jen & Ivan)
• Beagle (a term for someone who isn't being smart, also known as a Goddamn Doofus)
• I don't give a care
• Who are those hooligans?
• A nap isn't going to take itself
• Goody gumdrops

Some favorites that friends have used:

"A buffet is a friend to no one." Alease

"Martinis are like boobs, one is not enough, but three is too many." Lizzie

"Homely as a bag of cats." Michelle

"The numbers don't lie." John

"I need my eyebrows waxed, they look like two caterpillars fighting above my eyes." Kelly L.

Here are some acronyms that I enjoy using:

LLPOF-Liar, liar pants on fire

LGN-Loser going nowhere

BCD-Behind closed doors

And one of my all-time favorites:

"My underwear is fighting a losing battle with my ass today."

How about you? Do you have any favorite sayings?

Confessions

Here are a few things I'm a little embarrassed to admit.

• I don't know how to buy a lottery ticket
• I don't know how to make coffee (except with a Keurig)
• I fell off a stool today and bruised my upper butt area
• I can be bossy at times
• I don't own a legit pair of pajamas
• My cat refers to me as "Mama"
• I tell my nephews that we can't go into the arcade because they're having a birthday party in there. Really it's just a sign in the front of the store that reads, "Have your BIRTHDAY PARTY here!"
• I judge people who have really dirty eyeglasses
• My second toe is longer than my first toe
• I bought a Gucci wallet off a kid in my class in high school...knowing it was stolen (What? I HAD to have it!)

So, there you have it. A few more pieces to the puzzle.

Have a great weekend!

The End of My Hiatus!

I am hereby announcing the official end to my blogging hiatus. It was not taken on purpose, I just got busy. Busy with what, you ask?

Well, here's a little list of what I've been doing:

• Eating copious amounts of chocolate
• Counting my wrinkles
• Helping to care for my mom after hip replacement surgery
• Working
• Passing gas
• Gazing at myself in the mirror (see wrinkles, above)
• Standing, with the refrigerator door open, squirting whipped cream into my mouth
• Celebrating my birthday
• Not exercising
• Trying on these sunglasses. Repeatedly.
• Training my cat to shed outside only
• Fuming at gas prices
• Mocking people who say, "supposebly" and "Valentime's"
• Making excuses for not shaving my legs
• Shopping

So you see, I just haven't had time in my busy schedule to blog. Plus, I haven't had much to write about. Although, I did almost step in dog poop the other day. That's worth writing about.

Not Ready To Say Goodbye

One of my goals (no, not a resolution) for 2012 is to eat better. Healthier. You know, maybe don't have cookies for breakfast everyday. Cut it back to once or twice a week.

I'm not going to sit here and pronounce that I'm going to lose 20 lbs in two weeks because I'm going to work out for 6 hours a day and eat nothing but lettuce. That's not going to happen. You know and I know it.

What I'm going to do instead is to make better choices when it comes to food. I love veggies, I just need to eat more of them. And when I make a salad, I should probably make it a normal size and not one big enough to feed the whole town.

With all of this healthy eating that's going to be going on, I'm not sure about one thing. I don't think I can say goodbye to my friend:

Oh, how I love you! You make me so happy. Some nights when I'm driving home and I think of you waiting for me in my freezer, I get chills. I love having you in my home. I especially love when you're on sale. I hate it when you're not here.

Maybe we can still be friends? We'll just have to stop seeing so much of each other. Let's take a look at what you have to offer:

YIKES! 19 grams of fat per 1/2 cup. Hmm, I guess I'll just have to eat smaller amounts. But what's smaller than 1/2 a cup?! Jeez, you're making this really difficult. How about this: after dinner, I'll have 1 or 2, wait, make that 3 teaspoons. Well, better make it tablespoons. If I'm going to get up off the couch, I won't be doing it for 3 teaspoons.

How would that be? That would still be considered healthy, right?

Plus, my doctor told me that I need to have more calcium in my diet. Ice cream has calcium, right? Right?

My Resolution

In 2012, I vow to live more like a Kardashian. I will not leave the house unless I am in FULL hair and make-up, including fake eyelashes and foundation applied with a putty knife. I will pretend to be bothered when the paparazzi take my picture, though I will discretely pose so that they get my best side.

I will make sure that my mom always wears sequins and has enough make-up on for a small country. And when she starts to look her age, I will tell her that she needs a face lift.

I will also wear skin-tight unflattering clothes, like the dress you see below.

I will always make an effort to wear something leopard print, even if it's just my underwear.

I will help others by writing books about my ridiculous life. I will NOT donate any of the profits from my book(s) to charity. I will think about helping those less fortunate by giving them makeovers and ONE free item from my Kardashian Kollection at Sears (on sale now at Sears locations everywhere).

I vow to make as many new sex tapes, with random dudes, as I can.

I also vow to find new and exciting ways to show off my giant ass.

Finally, I will try my best to take over the world by changing the spelling of all words that start with c, to a k. For example: I kan't wait for 2012. It's going to be a khaotic year, I hope our shows don't get kancelled. I kan't even bear the thought of that. It would be krazy!

Happy New Year!

Hiking at Blue Hills

This may come as a surprise to you but I'm a really outdoorsy kind of girl. When I say outdoorsy, I mean strolling around Derby Street Shoppes.

On the rare occasion that I want to be outdoors in nature I take my niece and nephews hiking at Blue Hills in Milton/Canton.

My 15 year old niece is kind enough to take turns with me carrying the backpack and she walks next to me. The boys take off and run up the mountain. Literally run. Then they argue about who has to wait for the "slow poke" Auntie Laura. Meanwhile, I'm about 1/2 mile behind them barfing up a lung from exertion. I'm grossly out of shape.

Next to the trail side museum at Blue Hills they have a few animals on display. The first one is that we see is a River Otter. That little guy loves to perform for people. They also have turtles, a couple of snowy owls, deer, turkey vultures and ducks that you can feed.

Three days after we went hiking, Harry couldn't stop talking about it. He and Brennan loved running down the hill that you see above. It doesn't look like much but walking down it was pretty intense, just ask my thighs.

In closing, if you see a blonde woman, in her early 40's, huffing, puffing and chugging her way up the mountain, don't be alarmed, it's just me.

Thanksgiving: My Least Favorite Holiday

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate Thanksgiving, it's just my least favorite of all the holidays.

There's just nothing to do. Except eat. And eat we do. In years past I would eat so much that I would feel sick. Ick, I hate that feeling.

I enjoy spending time with family, but I do that whether it's a holiday or not.

I also don't need a day to be thankful for things. I'm thankful everyday for everyone and everything in my life. Every night as my head hits the pillow I think about how lucky I am to have so much. Not material things, but a great family and friends and good health and happiness. I know that I'm fortunate. Not just on a Thursday in November, but every single day.

I find that I look forward to Thanksgiving being over. I look forward to a four day weekend. I look forward to Black Friday. I look forward to sleeping in the day after Black Friday. And I look forward to another year of things to be thankful for.

Conversations with Kids

Yesterday was one of those days where I wish I recorded my conversations with my 6 and 7 year old nephews. Here are some snippets of what was said:

Brennan (age 6): "Auntie Laura, was Grampy (my 74 year old father) on the Titanic?"

Me: "No."

Brennan: "Oh. Were you?"

***************************************************************************************

Harry (age 7): "Auntie Laura, did you put butter on this roll?"

Me: "Yes, I did."

Harry: "Mom doesn't put butter on our rolls."

Me: "Well, I guess that means that she doesn't love you."

Harry: "Yes she does. Mom said that she would love us even if we went to juvie."

***************************************************************************************

Me: "Guys, I have to leave a little early tonight. I have to go to an event in Boston."

Harry: "Why are you leaving early? You should have told them that you have to babysit us and that you'd be late."

The Wedding of the Century

No, I'm not talking about Kate and Will or Kim and Kris. This was a different wedding. And I do mean different.

Take a stroll with me down memory lane.

You might want to grab a glass of wine and get comfy. This is a bit of a long story.

The year was 2002. I was working at a firm in Boston and I loved my job. I was making some new friends and loving life. One of my coworkers, we'll call her "Nadine", was getting married. Now, she was in the close knit circle of friends that I had, but she didn't totally fit in. She had a bit of a chip on her shoulder and she was always negative. We didn't love that about her.

Nadine and her fiancee were young, in their 20's. They were also from another country. They had both been here for many years and had completely adapted to the American lifestyle.

The invitation:

One day, I came into work to find a wedding invitation in my inbox. Yes, my inbox. I thought, "Hmmm, that's curious. Don't people usually mail those?"

When I opened the invitation I noticed that there was no stamp on the reply card. My friend Shannon had a great idea. She said, "Let's leave the reply envelopes in HER inbox." Brilliant. Just brilliant. That Shannon is always thinking.

The days leading up to the wedding Nadine kept asking me if I'd like to bring a date to the wedding, even a friend. I told her that it wasn't necessary, I'd go with our coworkers. She told me again, two days before the wedding that I was welcome to bring anyone that I want. I asked her if that would screw up her head count. She said, "No, my uncle is making all the food. It's fine."

The church:

The day of the wedding was a hot summer day. My friends and I got to the church a few minutes before the ceremony was set to start. We took our seats and waited. And waited. And waited. The bride was an HOUR late getting to her own wedding. Thanks to the church with no air conditioning, I sweat through my silk dress. I was looking (and feeling) great.

She looked stunning in her white dress. Her bridesmaids and maid of honor walked down the aisle. Then it was time for the bride and her dad to make their way down the aisle. He walked her to the end of the aisle, where her groom was waiting. Then, as is almost always the case, her dad kissed her. This was no ordinary kiss though. This kiss went on. And on. And on. Several uncomfortable seconds ticked by. My friends and I started shifting in our seats. We exchanged horrified looks with each other. The kiss was STILL going on. The horrified looks turned to nervous giggles. We were sure that we weren't seeing what we were seeing. In fact, we were.

The reception:

After telling my friends that the food was going to be homemade, we decided to stop at Wendy's on our way from the church to the reception. We were so glad we did.

When we got to the reception hall we looked for place cards that would tell us what table we were at. Someone in the wedding party saw us lingering at the entrance and said, "Just sit anywhere you'd like." Huh? Isn't this a wedding?

After getting settled in our seats, we noticed that the toasts were about to start. One of the bridesmaids started handing out white styrofoam cups for us to toast with. Another bridesmaid came behind her and put a splash of wine in our new coffee cups, oops, I mean wine glasses.

Apparently it is tradition in their culture to have every person in the wedding party, plus parents give a toast. That's a lot of people.

When everyone was done speaking, it was chow time. We lined up at the buffet table, grabbed our paper plate (I kid you not), and walked through the buffet line, where the bridesmaids served the food. There they were, in their long, formal(ish) dresses serving food to the guests.

After dinner it was time to dance. Unfortunately, we couldn't understand the music. It was really loud and it didn't have any words to it, just a lot of yelling.

After the reception, my friends and I looked at each other as if to say, "Uh, who's taking that centerpiece home?" I believe that I called "not it" first. Not that it was a bad centerpiece. Okay, it was. It was this statue type thing. It had these birds and mirrors on it and it was just awful.

In the end, Kim (clearly the nicest of the group) took it home.

You're probably wondering what happened with Nadine and her husband. Well, they got divorced a few years later. And we phased her out of our group. I hear she's remarried with a couple of kids.

It's all good though. We'll always have the memory of that day.

5 Things I Love About Fall

It's official: fall is here. Relax, I know it was officially here on September 23. I'm talking weather-wise.

Here are some things I like about it.

1. The cool, crisp air

2. The smell of fire burning in a fireplace

3. The vibrant colors of the trees

4. Wearing the color orange

5. Wearing long pants again

5a. Not shaving my legs

Happy fall everyone.

Idiosyncrasies

Like everyone, I have some little idiosyncrasies that some people might find strange. I've been doing them for so long that they seem perfectly normal to me.

1. Every night before bed I slip on a clean pair of socks. After about 15 minutes in bed, I kick the socks off. I do this every night. At the end of the week I have 7 pairs of socks stuffed at the end of my bed.
2. I have about 10 half full water bottles in my refrigerator. I tell myself that I'm going to refill them with spring water from a gallon jug, and I never do.
3. I can never be more than 10 feet away from a box of tissues and a tube of chapstick.
4. I upload pictures within 24 hours of taking them.
5. I have to sleep with a fan on every night. Even if it's 5 degrees outside.

See, those aren't too bad. Right?

Heartbreaking

I can't seem to bring myself to watch any of the 9/11 coverage. I've always found it fascinating and heartbreaking. Now I just find it heartbreaking.

Over 2,000 people lost their lives that day for something they did. What was it? They went to work. These were not people who ran with gangs and happened to get shot and killed. These were people who got up that beautiful Tuesday morning, got dressed, kissed their spouses, kids, cats, dogs, moms or dads goodbye and then headed to work. They took their last breath that day.

Every life lost (except the terrorists) was painful and uncalled for.

I weep for those people. I weep for their families and their children. I can't even begin to imagine the nightmare that they went through on and after that day.

We lost many lives after the attacks as well. Many of our military personnel died defending our freedom. A simple thank you doesn't seem like enough.

How do you explain this tragedy to children? We don't want kids to live in fear but this is an important piece of history. It is something that has shaped our nation and made it what it is today.

Whatever your politics, we have to agree on one thing: this can never happen again.

My Thoughts on Camping

Since I'm not married, I have to imagine that this is how a couple with children communicates about the family vacation.

Dumb Husband: "Honey, I have a great idea for our summer week long vacation!"

Amazing, Beautiful, Patient, Talented Wife: "You do? What is it?"

DH: "Let's go camping! Isn't that a great idea?!"

ABPTW: "You want to leave our comfortable, climate controlled house to live like homeless people for a week? No thanks."

Now, I know there are some die-hard campers out there. People who say, "If there are showers at the campground, it's not camping." Well, I have no words for that. Camping is my worst nightmare. I get pissy when I stay in a hotel that doesn't have a hair dryer in the room.

I can't imagine have to WALK, in the dirt, to the bathroom. Do you know how many times a night I get up to tinkle? Lots. I don't think I could handle getting out of my sleeping bag, unzipping the tent, grabbing the flashlight, heading to the campground potty to do my tinks at 3:00 AM. I'd be a little scared that I'd run into a wild animal, or worse, someone in their underwear heading to the bathroom at the same time. What's the protocol in that situation. Do you say, "Hey, what up?" or "Nice night" or "I didn't cause that smell in the bathroom, I swear."

I have a friend who LOVES camping. She goes at least 5 times a year. She's the only one in her huge group of family and friends that doesn't have a camper. Her husband doesn't like camping, so he stays home. She packs up her whole minivan, her two kids and heads to a campground. Once she unpacks everything and gets her tent set up, she has to repack all of their clothes and food back into her car so that wild animals won't get at it. Oh my God, that sounds like a blast! Sign me up!

Granted, there are some beautiful views and scenery from camping. Like this picture taken by my friend this morning:

However, I'm pretty sure you could drive around and find a very nice hotel with a beautiful view not too far away.

And that's my rant for today. Happy Labor Day.

My Bucket List

Quite a few people on the World Wide Web have been mentioning their "bucket lists" lately. They often include visiting far away, exotic lands, climbing high, scary mountains or eating some fancy schmancy kind of food. Let me tell you what's on my bucket list:

• To fit into a size 6 again. Perhaps I'll buy a size 16, take some White-Out to the 1, slap a belt on and call it a day. I'm not above doing that.
• To once, just once, say no to chocolate.
• To go into a pool with kids and NOT wow them with my awesome handstands.
• To meet, and play a really cool prank on, George Clooney.
• To climb a mountain...made of chocolate.

Well, that's it. I know it's ambitious, but that's why it's a bucket list. I have the rest of my life to complete it.

"I know the perfect guy for you...."

Being 40 and single means that I've heard the above phrase more times than I care to remember. When I meet new women, they tend to say, "Why are you still single? I know the perfect guy for you.." Experience tells me that this "perfect guy" and I have one thing in common; we're both single. That's it. I've never been on a blind date where I had more than one or two things in common with the guy. Why people would think that I would have anything in common with a guy who scoops elephant poop in the circus, is 48 and lives with his parents, has dirty fingernails and a tattoo of a naked lady on his forearm, is beyond me. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm better than this guy. I just don't think we'd have much in common.

I will say that I have met some really good guys on blind dates. Unfortunately, there wasn't a spark, so we've ended up as friends.

People say that I'm too picky. I don't think that's true. Here's a quick checklist of what I look for in a guy.

A guy..

• Who makes more than $300,000 a year
• That I don't have to check his math to see if he left a reasonable tip in a restaurant
• With manners
• Who likes sports but isn't obsessed with them
• Who drives a nice car
• Who likes the beach
• Who likes women with cellulite
• Who can accept my shopping addiction
• Who likes to watch "Golden Girls"
• Who will apply sunscreen to my back but warm it up in his hands first
• Who won't try to get me to eat weird food, like lobster and scallops
• Who is close to his family
• Who likes kids
• Who doesn't mind that I don't shave my legs every day. Okay, every week.

So, if you know someone who meets ALL of the criteria above, send him my way.

My Favorite Song Lyrics

Do you have lines in a song that you love? You wait for the perfect moment and turn the volume up really, really loud when that part comes on?

Well, here are a few of mine:

"I have my own life and I am stronger than you know." Stevie Nicks, "Leather & Lace"

"Well there's a light in your eyes that keeps shining, like a star that can't wait for a night. I hate to think I've been blinded baby, why can't I see you tonight" Led Zepplin, "Fool in the Rain"

"I wish I was the full moon shining off a Camaro's hood." Pearl Jam, "Wish List"

"Couldn't take the blame, sick with shame, must be exhausting to lose your own game." Evanescence, "Call me When You're Sober"

"Can you imagine no love, pride, deep fried chicken? Your best friend always stickin' up for you, even when I know you're wrong" Train, "Drops of Jupiter

"Dear Marcus, you rocked my world.." Alanis Morissette, "Unsent"

"I'm warning you, don't ever do, those crazy, messed up things that you do. If you ever do, I promise you, I'll be the first to crucify you." Barenaked Ladies, "Call & Answer"

"Stars shining bright above you. Night breezes seem to whisper I love you. Birds singing in the sycamore tree" The Mamas & The Papas "Dream a Little Dream of Me"

"You know I'm a dreamer, but my heart's of gold. I had to run away high, so I wouldn't come home low." Motley Crue, "Home Sweet Home"

"Feel the rain on your skin. No one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in. No one else, no one else can speak the words on your lips." Natasha Bedingfield, "Unwritten"

"We skipped a light fandango, turned cartwheels 'cross the floor." Procol Harum, "A Whiter Shade of Pale"

"Hey Ramblin' Boy why don't you settle down, Boston ain't your kinda town, there ain't no gold and there ain't nobody like me" Dave Loggins, "Please Come to Boston"

"Think I'd leave your side baby, you know me better than that. Think I'd leave down when you're down on your knees, I wouldn't do that." Sade, "Lovers"

"Lucky that my breasts are small and humble, so you don't confuse them with mountains." Shakira, "Whenever, Wherever

"I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night. I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry. I know all your favorite songs and you tell me about your dreams" Taylor Swift, "You Belong With Me"

"There is no past, there's only future. There's only here, there's only now." Van Morrison, These Are The Days"

"Two feet they come a creepin' like a black cat do. Two bodies laying naked, a creeper think he got nothing to lose" Lynyrd Skynyrd, "Saturday Night Special"

"I want a girl with extensions in her hair, bamboo earrings, at least two pair, a Fendi bag and a bad attitude" LL Cool J, "Around the Way Girl"

"Vodka and a packet of cigarettes, that's all it used to be. But now you're sniffing on snow when you're feelin' low" Joss Stone, "You Had Me"

"I never loved her. I never needed her. She was willing and that's all there is to say." 38 Special, "Second Chance"

So it's more than a few. Do you have any favorites?

What Time Is It Anyway?

I never truly know what time it is.

Let me explain:

My bedroom clock is set 22 minutes fast. I like doing math first thing in the morning.

The clock in my car is 20 minutes fast. It causes panic for passengers when they think they're running late.

My computer clock is two minutes fast. I keep fixing it and it keeps going back.

My kitchen and living clocks are the correct time, as is my cable box.

Sometimes I wish I paid more attention in basic math.

5 Things That I'm Curious About

1. Why is there a hobo in my town carrying a Lululemon bag?
2. Do all men who drive Corvettes have small...ahem?
3. How come my jeans don't fit anymore?

4. How much do these people make? Do they do it for a pack of cigarettes?

5. Do they still make Steak-Umms?